Life(less)

It happens with all of us. One flash, one moment of reality and we know what we want in life.  Most of the times, we are running clueless. May be we know what we are doing, but most of the times we don’t know WHY. We are running behind few things that seem so damn important that they make us blind. Something happened last night which has set my mind pacing. I was driving on that pitch black road coming back from Pondicherry to Chennai. It was raining for most of the 100 kilometres that had passed and I was trying to concentrate hard. I just wanted to save my spotless reputation of being accident free and reach home safe. Then all of a sudden, without any warning I saw him. I saw a dead man, I mean a dead guy. He seemed to be young, just like us. I saw him in his blood lying lifeless on the road. I think his bike was hit by the bus which had stopped nearby. Police was there but I didn’t see them making any effort to pick him up or try to save his life, maybe he was gone, maybe he was still there, nobody could be sure. I recently saw an episode of Grey’s anatomy in which they say you don’t accept a patient is brought dead till you have done the procedure and they actually saved a life with this thought. I don’t know why no one was doing anything on this road.

Anyways I couldn’t stop my car. It may seem like I didn’t bother but the truth is that I was too scared. I know these things happen while we are on the road. I curse the bus drivers and the bikers a thousand times everytime I’m driving in Chennai. I always say that I don’t like this place for a lot of reasons. But none of these came to my mind at that fleeting moment while I saw this guy, hardly for five seconds I guess. What crossed my mind was that it could have been me or God forbid anyone of the people I cared about. Seriously, I could see faces of these people and in that moment I wanted everyone I cared about to be safe. I just wanted them to live and to be happy with their friends and family and loved ones. That guy in that blue T-shirt was just one of us, may be from some other city, may be working here for handsome salary, partying the last night, enjoying in Mahabalipuram some hours ago to forget about that shitty job that awaits him on Monday morning or the boss that he really curses for being just too much of a pain. May be his parents called him that day and he couldn’t pick up and thought he’ll call when he returns. I don’t know why I had this sudden urge of telling the people I cared about that they are precious to me. I couldn’t help thinking who would be really sad and miss me if I were the one dying in that accident that day. Will there be someone who would miss me like their world was gone apart from my parents. I never really believed in love and relationships but at that moment I wanted someone to hold me and wipe my tears and tell me everything is just fine.

My life is made up of all the relationships I have or had and all the moments I spent with these people. I just wanted to reach my safe havens without realizing that I was all the more fearful of losing what I already had not even thinking of what I may have in the future. I couldn’t sleep well that night. I woke up with an uneasy feeling, I reached office in time, but that didn’t matter. I called up my parents and asked them how they were doing, so wanted to tell them that they have done so much for me. I spoke to my friends in Chennai who are struggling to adapt to the city just like I’m. I left office early and tried to speak to everyone I really cared about. I just wanted to know that my world, which is made up of all the beautiful human beings, is good and stable. After that I met a few friends and assured myself that all was well on earth. Couldn’t tell anyone why I was so curious to talk to them. All these people know me pretty well and would have told me I was crazy to be afraid. Its life and shit happens. I spared myself the embarrassment of being called an emotional fool. But, somehow I got talking to this guy whom I met not long ago. I just wanted him to know something. Someone might think I’m mad or had a psychotic break-down, but I wanted to make sure that people know how much their existence effects me.

More than 24 hours have passed and that image is still intact in my mind. All this while, it never crossed my mind what I still haven’t achieved in my life, all what I’m always worried for in the real world, every single day, barring the last 24 hours.  Funny, people say we should let go off our past and plan for the future that is to come. All I was thinking about the whole day was my present and past and the lives that I may have touched. All that mattered is what I have already lived and how well did I fare in those moments.