First Empowered Woman I knew - “Bibi”

Bibi - Smt. Jagdish Rani, 1933 - 2020

I lost my grandmother yesterday - a woman who was so progressive and ahead of her time in her thinking and ideas, it startled me sometimes. I accepted what had happened, she was about 88 years of age but it took me a lot of time to understand the gravity of loss. This comes in the times of Coronavirus pandemic restrictions and almost two years after my grandfather’s demise.  While I live in Melbourne, and grandmother lives with my parents in Chandigarh, I was constantly in touch with my youngest cousin over the course of these 5 hours. After a week of feeling a bit more unwell than usual at her age, she woke up, my father gave her morning medicines, she had a few sips of her morning tea, with a lot of difficulty and then she just could not breathe anymore. My father, who is extremely close to her knew in his heart what had just happened but called an ambulance and also called my cousin. And then within a span of 4-5 hours, the cremation was done and the five elements which constituted grandmother’s body were converted to just ash and her soul left us to meet my grandfather in heaven. Hinduism calls it going back to where we came from. Freedom from the circle of life - Moksha.

Me, my brother and my cousin, saw most of the last rituals on Whatsapp video call as we all have lived most of our lives in the last 2.5 months of Covid 19 situation. The obvious regret I have is I can not travel to India to pay my last respects to her. I spoke with her last time on Whatsapp video call about 7 days ago, but in flesh and bone last year in July 2019, when I spent a week at home. That time we had a lot of mangoes together, that’s probably what we did when we were growing up as well in her house, in her day care for Girdhar grandchildren, when our parents were working in office during 9 to 5 and busy making a life for all of us.

My grandmother known as “Bibi” to everyone who has ever stepped into our lives. Bibi was no ordinary woman, she has done so many deeds in her life unknowingly that she taught me many lessons. Everyone who meets me, asks me how I am so strong, and I generally attribute it to three things, my progressive grandparents’ thinking, my father’s upbringing of me, like an independent person and my mother being a working woman. Somewhere behind all these reasons, I never realized that by Bibi was the most influential person in all our lives.

Smiling and happy - 2017

Bibi was the 2^nd born child in a Hindu farmer family in Multan region in Pakistan, sometime during early 1930s. After the Indo-Pak partition in 1947, her family moved to India as refugees. Her family consisted of her mother, her father who was called “Masterji” as he was a teacher back in Pakistan and her eight other siblings. I asked her once, if during their journey any of her brother/sister were lost and she simply laughed it off saying, No. Everyone in the refugee group knew who was whose kid and took care of each other. Even if someone was separated from the family, they would be reunited back with their family. She was a teenager and remembered those unprecedented times and mass migration in which humanity was the only reason people survived and could stay with their families. Maybe that is the reason she never believed in differentiating between people on the basis of their caste, religion or their being from any particular state. Family had a bigger meaning than just being of the same blood. Everyone was invited to Bibi’s Langar (kitchen) to eat, when she could cook (almost 85 years of her life) and then to cook for her when she needed help in the kitchen (maybe last 10 years of her life). So my first lesson from Bibi was the Equality of all people. In today’s world which is in deep crisis because of religion, caste, creed, north and south, Indians, Pakistanis, Americans, Europeans, it was so simple for her, we were all humans first. No one who ever met her (our maid aunty who cleaned the house, the south Indian lady who used to braid her hair and help her in kitchen, her Muslim tenants, her cook for some time who became then a caterer, my brother’s wife, who is an Australian with German and English decent and her family) no on was any different for receiving her love, wisdom or care.

Growing up Bibi took care of her eight brothers and sisters, like a mother, because her mother died early on. All except Bibi were well educated and mostly college graduates (teacher, pharmacist, govt employees) except my Bibi, who was just literate enough to be reading her hindi newspapers even at the age of 85, and telling us stories from what was happening in the world through her window of hindi morning newspaper reading, news, satsang and drama channels on TV. I re-collet her being able to read numbers in English sometime, but Hindi and Punjabi were her 1st and 2nd language. I definitely remember her reading Punjabi books in Gurudwara. Yes, despite being a Hindu family, she was more affiliated to her daily path of Sukhmani Saahib, that is another story for some other time. But my literate Bibi who could not graduate from any college, really was more educated and enlightened in her life than any literate degree holders, any of us think or degrees make us today.

She was about 18 years of age when she got married to my Bauji, who was 10 years elder to her and a constable in Haryana police, in Faridpur village, where the family was finally settled after coming as refugees from Pakistan. I asked her how did they meet and she said Bauji was brother of an extended family member and used to visit their village and thats how her father betrothed them. So they basically knew each other before marriage. In the 33 years of my life I have seen them, it felt they were just made for each other, always bickering, always fighting over small stuff but always together and being there for each other, that is the eternal form of Love for me. Bauji called her Jaggo sometimes. Bibi told me even after they had 3 sons, they really wanted a daughter (this is almost 60 years before ago) and in the hope, she tried again and again, but had two more sons. She never had a daughter of her own, so all their love for a girl child was finally showered on the first grand daughter in the family. My eldest cousin sister got more love than any child can ask for, from grandparents, from four uncles’ and her own parents. I was always envious of the pampering she got from Bibi Bauji, but what to do – first born daughter of the family had her rights reserved. While most of the people did not want to have daughters in her era, because girl child was considered a burden due to matrimony dowry, this strong lady, who unknowingly was giving me another story of her progressive and unorthodox mind was praying everyday for a daughter. Another lesson she unknowingly taught me was how girls and boys are equal for her. In fact, her granddaughters were somehow more loved than grandsons because they were not that mischievous. This is the reason the girls in the family are strong, independent, responsible and career oriented just like the boys, because we were not raised any different.

Bibi and Bauji, 2016

Going back to her life as a real home-maker, Bauji was always out of the village on duty, so my Bibi managed the household herself along with bringing up the five children. Five naughty boys with some cousins and friends, all in the same village, creating a mess for Bibi everyday. My papa and tayaji (s) have told us their stories countless number of times. How they were disciplined by Bibi when they went to nearby town for movies in cinema for the whole day, how they had beaten a teacher in the school, because the teacher had slapped one of their cousins, how their friends left them at the end of the gully after doing something mischievous because they knew Bibi will be waiting for them with a “thaapi” because news travelled fast in the small village in Haryana called Pundri. But these boys were well trained by Bibi, when she needed help with household work, they were trained to do so. Boys took care of their studies, their exams, some household work and also each other as a unit. All of these boys grew up to be well respected men and have retired as senior government officials. My father, who has just retired as SP Chandigarh, UT Police, on the exact day of Bibi’s death, 29 May 2020[i], is the youngest and naughtiest of all her kids, his elder brother retired as Under Secretary Home from UT administration and the eldest two retired as DSP in Haryana Police. My late uncle was a pilot in Indian Air Force but we lost him very early on in life. So our Bibi is survived by 4 sons, 11 grandchildren (who mostly grew up in Bibi’s house during 9 AM to 5 PM and summer holidays) and 7 great-grandchildren. Who would have thought that a lady who was taking care of her family was already working on the idea of teaching her Sons and grandsons the ideas of Secularism, Gender equality, Family values, Love, Respect and Morality in a small village. 

When Chandigarh was being established in 1963, my grandfather moved his family, one member at a time to Chandigarh and that is where I was born after almost 23 years, the daughter of the youngest son of the clan. The family has its own struggle story of seven family members living in a 1 Bedroom government quarter to making their own house. The foundation started with Education and getting jobs, surviving one day at a time. But I have always heard of happy stories more than the struggle, maybe it was just a part of life for them.  My grandmother told all her sons to go make their own homes after getting married and start their families. Giving them responsibility of running their own household and this made all sons and daughter in laws accountable for their lives and independent at the same time. So, we all were in nuclear families growing up. All the women in the household were working, someone needed to take care of the children and then Bibi’s house was made a temporary day care for all of seven of us living locally in Chandigarh. After eight siblings, five sons, Bibi had the job of taking care of seven grandchildren (sometimes eleven, with summer holidays and interstate travellers). I have to say “Bibi was more than a home maker, she was in the business of making Better Humans” while taking care of the family, that was her full-time job. In Australia today, daycare costs approx $600 (Approx 30,000 INR) per week per child, so do the math. All this work with some cultural and life experiences and no scientific basis but the home-based remedies, Indian culture and moral values of being honest, sharing everything we had, no cheating, no lying, respecting the elders, saying Haanji instead of Haan and saying Namaste with a hands pressed together.

-2017 - All women of family from the left - My mother, my nani, my sister-in-law, me, Bibi.
Back row, my aunts and my bhabhi

Needless to say, as grandchildren we got the same moral values (although, girls got more love and independence, boys still got some dressing down) when we were growing up and saw my grandparents age together in their house in Chandigarh. We all grew up, graduating slowly out of Bibi’s day care and taking care of ourselves. The regular visits continued on the weekends or when the families came together to celebrate birthdays, someone’s promotions, Holi, Diwali, New Year’s parties, a new car in the family, a new house, a kid’s graduation, class 10 results, so on and so forth.

Papa with Bibi Bauji

When my father realized my grandparents were getting really old, he moved them in our house  almost 15 years ago, maybe against their will, as they liked their independence. But they adjusted to the new normal, after all it was another phase of life. Parents needed to be taken care of by children and someone took the first step. Last 5 years were the toughest, on every trip back home from Australia I used to see how they were really ageing and getting weaker. Otherwise I thought they were immortal, always the same old, wrinkled, retired, loving Bibi Bauji, I had know for the last 33 years.

This is the end of an era for us. My father who has devoted last few years of his life to taking care of his parents alongwith his job to serve the city, feels the pain more than any of us, because he was still by his mothers side when she was struggling for her last breath. He felt the pain as if the placenta was just cut and he was separated from his mother once again after 60 years of actually taking birth, only this time Bibi has gone out in the other world. I’m sure if Bibi had the option, she would have wanted to live more, despite the pains of ageing, she would have wanted to see the youngest great grandchild born to my brother and his wife two months ago in Australia and see my mother, her daughter in law once again who was stuck quarantined in a hotel nearby in the times of Coronavirus, after coming back home on a special flight and get one more gift from me that I sent with my mother for Bibi. Bibi would have found another reason and strength to live. She knew Life is a blessing, we need to play our part, even when we are not the hero in the story. Even when the times are tough for us to live, we need to face life and share our wisdom and love with others, without expecting anything in return. Not being selfish about wanting to leave when we are getting old, because we cannot take the pain. 

So I, Gudiya, as lovingly called by Bibi, remember her for all she was. A strong willed, educated, progressive, unorthodox extra-ordinary Indian great grandmother who gave the world three generations of well groomed and strong willed humans, completely unaware of the lessons she was teaching us along the way. The world will miss you Bibi, we need more mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers like you in today’s time  to make the world a better place.

Bhawna Girdhar

Granddaughter of Late Smt. Jagdish Rani w/o late Gopal Singh

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[i] To be confirmed considering the situation of Coronavirus in India, the retirement of uniformed personnel has already been extended once without much notice